“Don’t be afraid of Covid. … I feel better than I did 20 years ago!” — President Trump, returning to the White House on Monday. 

Last night, the planet’s premier coronavirus superspreader left the hospital like a conquering hero who declared victory over his own mortality while a war raged on inside him. 

Corticosteroids are like speed on acid. They can make a clinically obese, 74-year-old rooster feel like a spring chicken. His electoral goose close to fully cooked, Trump “stood strongly” on the Truman Balcony and erased any remaining doubt that he is sick in mind and body and unfit to lead even himself. 

Trump clearly gasped for air after removing his mask to reveal his orange jowls, likely spray-tanned by a staffer who will soon be diagnosed with COVID-19. He glared sternly into the distance, a light breeze lifting his box-dyed hair. He pumped his fist, gave a thumbs up and saluted the crew of Marine One, who he selfishly exposed to a deadly disease for a campaign video. 

Cult 45 ate it up, along with Trump’s short video in which their Dear Leader made a mockery of the pain and grief of families who lost loved ones and others who survived the disease but suffer lingering effects that in a second Trump term would be considered preexisting conditions. He pronounced himself “over” COVID and urged Americans to get over their fears and “get out there,” which seems to mean “where other unmasked people pack themselves together in large numbers.” 

“Maybe I’m immune,” Trump said, sounding like Custer before the Last Stand. 

Trump’s hope was to appear strong and steady, but those of who grew up with the specter of the Soviet Union always looming in the background saw a sick old man desperate to prop up a corrupt regime in its overdue death throes. 

We saw a fading showman hopped up on experimental drugs and dancing as fast as he can, careless of the more 210,000 dead on his watch and the safety of Americans he still fails to protect and immune to nothing but shame.  

Trump’s doctors say he’s “not out of the woods yet.” Neither is America, but we can step closer to a cure on Nov. 3. VOTE!